I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
