No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
