please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
