Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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