apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
