I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His hands were made for my vagina.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
