someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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