you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
