somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
