you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
