i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
