All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
