I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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