I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
