just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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