What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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