I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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