If that was your dad, he is hot
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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