i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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