he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
