'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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