i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
