Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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