maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
