I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want to have your abortion
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
