She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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