Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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