I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
