Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
