Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
