I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
