I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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