He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
