What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
