My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
