Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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