At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
