i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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