I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
