she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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