watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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