considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize