I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
