Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
