Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
