I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
