Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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