So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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