i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
