Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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