she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
