So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
