How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Thank you for not boning my boss.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
