I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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