meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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