Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
